Cats just couldn’t give a toss either way, scientists have confirmed this morning.
A study published today indicates that cats separated from their owners and placed in unfamiliar surroundings were entirely cool with it, leading cat owners worldwide to insist that Mr Tiddlekins is different and actually loves them.
However, researchers are confident that the study accurately reflects that cats couldn’t give a gnats chuff for you, your home, or that scratching post made of driftwood which you bought from a boutique crafts fair – and are in fact just using you for free food.
“Zero,” head researcher Simon Williams told us. “That’s how many fucks cats give.”
“They don’t bond with people in the same way other animals do. In fact they see you as a roadbump which occasionally supplies them with food, and they’ll treat you as food if you’re foolish enough to die in their presence.”
“Whilst other animals might look up to people and genuinely love them, cats are just so damn cool they just don’t care.”
“Dogs. They’re the real pussies,” he added.
The study went on to indicate that if cats had thumbs, they’d be smoking twenty a day and riding motorbikes.