Thursday 3 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Bible to be rebooted with female cast

Bible reissued with female cast

Bestselling book, the bible, is to be reissued and told from a female perspective.

Donald Trump’s favourite storybook has traditionally been told from the point of view of different men wearing different kinds of sandals in the middle-east while speaking impeccable English.

“Well it’s time to knock the dust off,” beamed publishing agent and feminist, Rosie Jones.

“The bible is ripe for retelling. It hasn’t been updated since Revelations, and that was something of a downer.”

“Almost every single significant character has been portrayed by a man thus far, apart from Mary, but let’s be honest, who even remembers her?”

“I’m confident that people will love our sassy team of female disciples and the calming influence of their leader, Jennifer Christ.”

“We’ve had one or two complaints from church types, but last time I checked, the bible was never really about them.”

“I might have only read the Genesis bit but already it’s clearly more about gardens, and everyone knows ALL women LOVE gardens.”

“If they want to, that is. We have a right to choose.”

Archbishop James Reynolds is less than happy.

“Mainly because I’m not allowed to have sex,” he confessed, “but also because of this book.”

“Sometimes, men just did play a more significant role in history, and such is the case in the bible, which is definitely a history book.”

Jones responded by shouting “HERstory!” 38 times.

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