NHS staff to be offered Zumba instead of pay rise

author avatar by 9 years ago

NHS staff are to be offered complimentary Zumba classes as part of a pay restructuring deal that will see them never get a pay rise again.

“It’s important that staff are fit and healthy,” said Chief Executive Simon Stevens.

“This is because many of them have to work up to nineteen hours a day with only the occasional two minute break to eat a dry ryvita while simultaneously having a pee.”

Staff are said to be thrilled at the prospect.

“Yeah, fine, whatever,” said one anonymous nurse.

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“I’ve been so skint for so long that the only thing I’ve been able to feed the dog is the cat.”

“What I really need is to be able to cram myself into a lycra torture suit and have slogans shouted at me for 40 minutes by a bionically perky teenager while shit 90s techno plays at ear-splitting volume.”

“I suppose there’s still time to go begging for food on the way home?”

The Zumba classes will take place in the room above the Cricketers Inn on Clapham High Street, are limited to 30 people twice a week, and if you want to attend from out of town, it’s up to you to make your own travel arrangements.

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