Conservatives announce plans to privatise the Labour Party

author avatar by 9 years ago

The government is to privatise the Labour Party, they have announced today.

A spokesman for the government pointed out that the Labour Party is almost entirely owned by the public sector and has ‘critically underperformed’ against the privately owned Conservative competition for almost half a century.

The government is currently considering if Labour should be sold off as a single unit, or broken up with individual policies being sold to the highest bidder.

“The Labour party has only won three elections in the last fifty years and that was when they entered into a partnership with the private sector.”

“Now that arrangement has ended they have returned to the ‘closed shop’ and wasteful policies last seen in the 1970s,” we were told.

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“For it to survive it needs a considerable injection of funds which the public sector is unable to provide, even with their recent attempts to reach out to supporters of opposing parties by letting them vote for Jeremy Corbyn.”

“The only way to get the Labour Party the investment it needs to make it fit for purpose in the 21st Century is to remove it from the dead hand of public ownership.”

The Liberal Democrats have expressed an interest in taking over the Social Democratic arm of the Labour party rather than seeing it indefinitely mothballed, as senior figures within the Lib Dems believe that with proper management Social Democracy can be reinvigorated and made attractive to investors.

Meanwhile the Green Party has also expressed an interest in some legacy Labour policies, having been impressed by the ‘make do and mend’ approach outlined in their 1983 manifesto.

Interested parties can register their interest in shares by making a deposit of £3.

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