Migrants will be let into Britain if they queue up properly

author avatar by 9 years ago

Migrants hoping for access to England will succeed if they can show an ability to line up, as decent British citizens should.

Government officials have agreed that a skilled workforce comes a distant second to the ability to wait a good half an hour in a line at a pharmacy.

“Nobody knows what British values actually are,” said immigration spokesperson, Gavin Martins, “apart from queueing. Everyone knows that’s a core value and if you ever push in, then you deserve to die.

“And frankly, queueing is a dying art. You only need £180 for one trip to Alton Towers to see what I’m talking about.

“Seriously, the parents there are brutal in their pursuit of a photo of their spawn on a rollercoaster. I nearly lost an ear.

NewsThump Best sellers

“We need more people who can queue in peace. So if these people who want to come to Britain can demonstrate a natural talent for queueing, then they’re in.

“We don’t really care about their CV, it’s more about whether they’ll wander straight to the barista in Starbucks like some bloody continental type, or whether they’ll instantly notice the people stood all the way to the door.

Migrants in Calais hoping to get access to Britain were jubilant at the news.

“It’s nice to be given a clue,” said Reginald Forsythe, a 27-year-old from Syria.

“We’ve been desperately trying to sneak onto lorries or even take jog along the tunnel. Queueing up sounds like a comparative doddle.

“We’ll have to get used to it anyway, I’ve heard dreadful things about your Post Offices.”