New simplified ‘fit for work’ tests to consist of checking for a pulse

author avatar by 8 years ago

Iain Duncan Smith has announced a major shake-up of the rules governing sickness benefit, designed to encourage anyone with a pulse people back into work.

“Currently, the system is far too complex,” said the work and pensions secretary as he feasted on the raw flesh of innocent children.

“It really shouldn’t matter how ill you are or what part of your body isn’t functioning properly, the ability to work or not should come down to one simple test; is your heart pumping blood around your body?”

“If the answer to that question is ‘yes’ then there is work out there for you. You just need to look harder”

“In a wheelchair? No excuse. If you can move it about then you can strap a broom to the back and sweep up.”

“Have a fatal disease? The drug industry always needs guinea pigs. And if you’re brain-dead and in a coma, well there are always chilly offices in need of a draft excluder.”

Mr Duncan-smith denied that he was a deranged, heartless lunatic who believed that compassion was for girls and that human beings only existed as a commodity to make him and his friends rich beyond dreams of avarice.

“No,” he said.

“You’re thinking of George.”