by 
Jermaine Defoe has advertised for a personal assistant who can take care of his dry-cleaning, turn lead into gold and communicate with the spirits of the dead.
The Sunderland forward is looking for eager applicants who know how to keep a diary and water his flowers, whilst also offering him unlimited wealth and a direct line to the fortune-telling spirits on the other side.
Defoe told recruitment agents, “I want CVs with plenty of experience helping high-profile individuals manage their social calendar, keeping their home and wardrobe in order and predicting the future through sorcery.”
“This is an excellent opportunity for someone looking to build a reputation as the type of executive assistant that gets things done, both in this realm and the next.”
“I just want to concentrate on my football knowing that someone will make sure I’m where I need to be, wearing what I should be wearing, whilst also making me insanely wealthy and telling me precisely what the future holds for myself and those around me.”
“How hard can that be?”
Jermain Defoe assistant
Recruitment consultant Simon Williams told us, “Mr Defoe has some very specific requirements for his new employee, and that is absolutely brilliant. We absolutely love it when people tell us exactly what they want, because it makes it much easier for us.”
“I mean, just now I’ve sent Mr Defoe the CV of a great guy who I think will be perfect – he’s a philosophy graduate who taught himself Android programming this summer.”
“No, no actual PA or alchemy experience, but he did once get his fortune told in Blackpool, so he definitely has what it takes on the necromancer front.”
“I think he’s perfect, and he’s available now – when should I pencil in the interview?”
