England ‘relief’ as BT Sport deal ensures next Ashes hammering will be seen by no-one

author avatar by 9 years ago

English cricketers have breathed a huge sigh of relief after BT Sport secured the rights to the next Ashes series, ensuring their inevitable hammering will be seen by absolutely nobody.

BT Sport says it has secured the live rights to the 2017-18 Ashes cricket series as part of a five-year deal with Cricket Australia, making England’s obligatory whitewash unwatchable for pretty much everyone.

Victorious captain Alastair Cook told reporters, “Though we are currently basking in the glory of our recent Ashes victory, we all know we are definitely going to have our arses handed back to us down under in 2017.”

“It’s a thoroughly humiliating experience, and the fewer people that get to see it, the better – which is why we’re so delighted by the BT Sport deal.”

“It’s bad enough they actually sell tickets to the public to come and watch us capitulate like your local village’s 3rd team, but having it on TV is just awful.”

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“Our families have televisions for God’s sake.”

“At least having it on a channel that no-one actually subscribes to makes it slightly less painful.”

England batsman Ian Bell said he was personally delighted by the deal.

He told reporters, “No matter how the newspapers describe the inevitably pathetic way in which I give away my own wicket, it won’t be quite as bad as seeing it live.”

“I’ll just say we we’re unlucky.”