Israeli spy dolphin actually a nostalgic Roger Moore

author avatar by 9 years ago

An alleged Israeli spy dolphin was in fact Roger Moore pining for the halcyon days of Octopussy and Live and let Die.

The 87 year-old, self-styled “second James Bond” was caught by Hamas with an array of spy equipment and a martini shaker also concealed within the dolphin costume.

“Surprised is definitely the word,” said Simon Williams, a spokesperson for Hamas’ military wing.

“We brought the dolphin on board, then it suddenly unzipped itself and out popped an elderly man in a tuxedo.”

“Then he raised an eyebrow and said ‘terribly fishy business’ before kicking seven shades of shit out of the crew.”

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“We’ve not seen him since but one of the speedboats is missing, along with the captain’s rebellious yet naïve and beautiful daughter, so I think we can probably do the maths on this one.”

“Objectively speaking, it was impressive stuff from someone who looks they should be at home with a cup of earl grey and a hobnob.”

Roger Moore smirked and said “I suppose they’re all at sea.”

“Sorry, force of habit. Yes, that was me. I miss being Bond. Being a national treasure is lovely and all that, but it doesn’t really compare to dicking about in a daft disguise and doing women half my age.”

“Well, less than half these days. Bond can hardly be seen out with a 43 and-a-half year-old. Must keep standards up, old boy.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to slip into someone more comfortable.”