British retailers have decided to bring happiness and joy to the nation by kicking off their Christmas advertising campaigns good and early this year.
With Christmas only a little over four months away, advertisers have decided that what people really want is that time filled with the sound of jingling bells, ho-ho-ho-ing and two for one offers.
Major retailers are convinced that what shoppers really, really want is a message of peace, selflessness, goodwill to all me, and 10% off pork pies until 5pm tomorrow.
Advertising agencies tell us they have been ‘all hands to the pumps’ putting together some of the most joyful and compelling advertising Britain has seen in years for the festive period.
As agency creative explained, “Our favourite campaign so far is one which follows a go-getting, single and attractive young woman with uncomfortable hemorrhoids waking up early Christmas morning to find Santa leaving a tube of Anusol hanging on her tree.”
“It’s subtle, classy, and the subtext that she lets him do her up the bum as a thank you is very tasteful and restrained.”
“Then there’s the one where a Christmas day crisis of lost presents is quickly and easily solved by borrowing up to £5000 at 2447% interest secured against your kidneys”.
“We’ve made that festive by having Santa drop the money down your chimney. Along with a final demand and a threat to have you kneecapped.”
Other advertisers getting in on the act are divorce lawyers offering to help you prepare for the inevitable Boxing-day family meltdown over the thing your brother said about Nan, and tampon manufacturers keen to reassure you with the pro-feminist message that you can cook your boyfriend Christmas dinner with confidence.