Catholic Church ‘forgives’ the Catholic Church for child abuse

author avatar by 7 years ago

The Catholic Church has announced its forgiveness of the Catholic Church for child sex abuse carried out by the Catholic Church, according to Vatican sources.

The Vatican hopes the move will be a major step in restoring faith in a religious organisation despondent at the continued surfacing of cases of sexual abuse against children.

Priest, Patrick McShattery, said the news filled him with a holy sense of peace.

“Forgiveness is at the heart of Catholicism, along with the absolving of sin based on a private confession that never needs to reach the planet’s newspapers.

“So now that we’ve admitted it in private, to ourselves, and said we’re very sorry about it, we can forgive ourselves and everyone can move on with their lives.”

However, not all priests have welcomed the swift forgiveness of their organisation by itself.

“This whole sexual abuse revelation has ruined the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of people,” said one unnamed priest.

“We’ve got these poor priests being uprooted from parishes where they had plenty of altar boys to prey on and often they get placed in areas where there’s barely any altar boys to even look at.

“That is cruel and unusual punishment in my book, and reeks of the Old Testament God we’re trying to pretend isn’t important any more.”

A Vatican spokesman, who wished to remain nameless, hoped the move would provide the victims with closure.

They said, “Forgiveness is divine, so, you know, move on, because this is the end of the matter as far as our lawyers are concerned.”