Billy Bunter identified as patient zero in global obesity epidemic

author avatar by 9 years ago

1950s schoolboy Billy Bunter has been identified as patient zero in the global obesity epidemic, according to epidemiologists.

Bunter is understood to have contracted obesity after consuming an infected bowl of plum duff, triggering an epidemic which has spread worldwide.

Specialists have said that identifying patient zero of the epidemic is a ‘major breakthrough’, as they hope this will allow them to definitively identify whether the transmission vector for obesity is touching an obese person, a warm toilet seat, or Mr Kipling Trifle Bakewells.

After leaving school, Bunter is believed to have spread the contagion amongst high-risk groups such as computer programmers, and in goth nightclubs, branches of Games Workshop, and Scotland.

Doctors then tracked Bunter to the United States, whose native population tragically have no natural immunity to obesity, before losing the trail.

“Having identified Bunter it’s important we find either him or his descendants, assuming anyone was willing to have sex with someone that fat,” we were told.

Studies have led doctors to believe they have found a cure for obesity, and it’s just at the top of this long and steep flight of stairs if you’d like to go up and look.

“Get moving, tubby,” they told us.