The Met Office has warned that floods could cause outbreaks of nonsensical rants from people who think precipitation is a sexual practice carried out by same-sex couples.
With further heavy rainfall expected over the next 24 hours, lunatics of all religious persuasion are expected to appear across all regions to insist it’s because of the gays.
Intolerance will drift in from the South East, before settling across much of Southern England and will drift further north over the weekend.
Meteorologist Simon Williams explained, “These outbreaks of bigotry could arrive without warning, so we would ask all members of the public to be wary and on high alert.”
“One minute you might be closing your umbrella after going inside, the next you’ve got a middle-aged man explaining we’d be having sunshine if everyone hated the gays as much as he did.”
“Phrases such as ‘Jesus didn’t have any gays in his disciples’, and ‘It’s just God’s way of punishing us for accepting bummers as normal people’ could prove to be commonplace.”
Reports of heavy religious bigotry have already begun to appear in the worst hit areas.
Office worker Dave Smith told us, “Today has been awful, not only did I get piss wet through on the way to the office, but I’ve had to listen to that Jesus freak in the next cubicle go on about how it’s the fault of Marcus in accounts because he married his boyfriend last weekend.”
“Though she didn’t have an answer when I asked why God was so keen to give glorious sunshine to Ibiza, what with all the partying, drugs and sex of all persuasions.”
“I guess He just really likes dance music.”