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Control of the banking industry is to be handed to cats in a move designed to make it fairer and more understandable, it has been announced.
In an early trial, a cat approached for a loan was reported to have batted customers around for hours, emotionlessly watching their misery and suffering before losing interest and licking his own arse – a change which consumer groups described as a significant improvement in service.
Already customers are praising the change, as although they’re no more likely to get their money at least they get to rub the bank manager’s fuzzy tummy without it getting all weird like before.
In a statement, the Banking Ombudsman told us “What does Mister Tiddles want? What does Mister Tiddles want?”
“Oh, he wants to bankrupt you by withholding a BACS transfer on a technicality just so he can see your despair.”
“Who’s a good kitty? Who is? You are.”
“Have a bonus.”
A government spokesman described cats as sociopaths with great personal hygiene, which is expected to improve customer satisfaction with counter services by over 100%.
The replacement of human management in banks by ruthless killing machines with cold and inhuman eyes is expected to be completed surprisingly quickly.
