Jose Mourinho cuts NHS waiting lists to zero after telling doctors who actually needs treating

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Jose Mourinho has been thanked by administrators inside the NHS, after he reduced waiting lists to zero by declaring no-one genuinely in need of treatment.

The newly qualified medical expert and Chelsea football manager, was keen to bring his gifts to bear across the NHS after flexing his diagnostician muscles during Chelsea’s opening day draw against Swansea.

As one Chelsea insider told us, “If you want to know if a player needs treating or not, do not look at the doctors, do not look at them – you look to Jose, only Jose.”

Mourinho himself told reporters he was glad to help the NHS with his special skills.

He said, “To make a correct diagnosis, you must first understand people who fake injuries, and I spend all day with footballers, so I know fakers.”

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“53 year-old Joseph Miller of Stoke? Fake. He does not need a new hip, take him off the list.”

“42 year-old Sarah Matthews of Basingstoke? Fake. She does not need a bunionectomy, take her off the list.”

“I can do this all day. It is like a gift – only the special one can decide when someone should be healed.”

Mourinho the doctor

Football fan Simon Williams told us, “It does seem like Jose has been blessed with a divine gift.”

“So maybe he could use it to stop his players rolling around like they’ve been hit by a sniper?”