Daily Express releases its own version of the Bible

author avatar by 9 years ago

The Daily Express has launched a new version of the Bible aimed squarely at people who are sick of migrants coming over here and coveting their wife’s ass.

The new book is perfect for people looking to justify their hatred and intolerance, and who tend to spend most of their time nodding when reading the Daily Express.

Features include:

  • The hippy with the beard and sandals edited out and replaced with a chain-smoking pisshead in yellow cords and a Barbour jacket!
  • Extra smiting and wrath!
  • New commandments such as “Thou shalt scrap foreign aid”

Also includes “The Lord Pearson’s Prayer”:

Our Nigel who art in Sevenoaks
Hallowed be thy name.
United Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in the pub.
Give us this day our Daily Express
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we demonise those less fortunate
And lead us not into rational thought,
But deliver us from facts.
For thine is the United Kingdom
white power, and the Tories,
For ever and ever.

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