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Nightclubs are continuing to close, after it was discovered they are still a truly horrible way to spend the evening.
Almost half of all nightclubs have closed in the last ten years, after punters expressed an interest in not spending their Friday and Saturday nights locked in a cramped sweaty box, drinking massively overpriced canned lager, whilst being aurally assaulted by a prick called Kevin taking credit for playing music made by someone else.
Non-moron Simon Williams told us, “I last went to a nightclub in 2007, and it was horrific. Starting with the neanderthal on the door who let the tiniest amount of power imaginable go completely to his head.
“I then paid a fiver for a warm can of Red Stripe, having already paid fifteen quid to get in, just because the bloke pressing play on the stereo every three minutes once had a show on Radio 1.
“Then I had to wait twenty minutes for someone working in the cloakroom to explain they couldn’t find my coat.
“These days I prefer my shit nights out to be much less expensive.”
Another former nightclub attendee told us, “If you’re the sort of person who enjoys being aurally assaulted, ripped off, and subjected to the unpleasant odours of people who could really do with a shower, then nightclubs are definitely the place for you.
“But if you want to go out, have a few drinks with your friends, and maybe actually talk to each other for a bit – why not try a ‘pub’?”
