People’s warrior and green tights enthusiast, Robin Hood, has finally admitted defeat in his attempts to help the poor today.
The former Robin of Loxley reported to the Department for Work and Pensions carrying a white flag and dropping his bow on the ground.
“I know when I’m beat,” said Robin.
“I can give to the poor all I want, but dear God, it’s a hell of a racket Iain’s got going to take it all away. It’s really not bad at all considering he can’t even spell his own first name properly.”
“I mean… bedroom tax. Ingenuous. What on earth am I supposed to do about that?”
“And I can’t rob the rich anymore anyway. Quite apart from me being 218 years old, you should see the fences they have these days. I’ve been electrocuted 8 times this month.”
Robin Hood gives up
A government spokesperson said “it is the cherry on top of a glorious few months.”
“Getting elected was brilliant, obviously, and then lording that fact over everyone for every single day has been even MORE brilliant.”
“And now we have the so-called ‘champion of the poor’ laying his arms down at our feet. I can’t wait to hang his bow above Iain’s desk.”
“We’ll have to make some room, obviously. He’s still got those framed teeth from that disabled lady who froze to death in a council flat. He wouldn’t want those put in the shade.”
Robin Hood is expected to retire to Frinton-On-Sea, and has been offered a weekly column in the Guardian.
“I’m not sure about that gig” said Hood, “they are frightfully left-wing.”