Great Cthulhu emerges as surprise front-runner in Labour leadership contest

author avatar by 8 years ago

Thousands of new members have flocked to join the Labour party as Great Cthulhu has emerged as the frontrunner in their leadership election, it has emerged.

The hideous alien lord of the sunken city of R’lyeh is almost twenty points ahead of his nearest rival in the poll, Yvette Cooper, which has surprised party insiders as his policies include drowning the moon in blood and visiting a terrible madness upon the land.

Senior figures in the party are reported to be concerned at what the Great Old One’s popularity means for the party, as they had only included him on the ballot to ensure debate and that all points of view were considered by the membership.

However, grass-roots members of the party have turned en masse to the octopus-headed demon, insisting that he is a ‘real candidate with principles’ and different from the other identikit candidates who are just ‘Tory-lite’.

“The thing about Cthulhu is that he’s authentic and you know what he stands for”, said one supporter clutching a placard of nameless dread.

“The rest of the candidates are just a bunch of suits who have lost any connection with the electorate, and I feel Cthulhu will be able to call to the ordinary working people of Britain in a way which the Labour party in the Westminster bubble simply can’t any more. Especially the ones in run-down coastal communities.”

“He’s promised to rule eternally in blasphemous despair, which might sound bad but it does mean we’ll never have another Conservative government. That’s certainly something to aim for as far as I’m concerned.”

“Ftaghn Ftaghn Aa’iayahh Cthulhu,” she added.

The rapidly-growing membership has brought welcome new blood and finances to the party, but already factions of Blairites, Brownites and Yog-Sothothites are starting to emerge behind the scenes.

“There’s an internal battle for control in the party between the Socialists, the Social Democrats and the Serpent men of the lost city of Irem”, a senior figure told us.

“And there’s something in the cafeteria which is either a Shoggoth or John Prescott and nobody wants to check which it is.”

“The danger is that in trying to go back to its roots, the Labour party may go too far and lose its way.”

“We hoped that when presented with a stark choice between centrist social democracy and Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn people would find it a relatively simple choice, but it appears not.”

“It turns out that is not dead which can eternal lie, and come strange aeons even free market capitalism may die.”