Calais migrants to be reclassified as ‘goblins’ to avoid accidental bouts of conscience

author avatar by 9 years ago

The migrants currently living in Calais in order to get into Britain are to be reclassified from ‘potential immigrants’ to ‘goblins’ to ensure everyone feels better about it.

“Look, no-one really thinks of these people as humans,” said a home-office representative yesterday.

“So, if we have them reclassified as horrid little supernatural creatures then there can be no complaints about treating them as abominably as possible.”

Under the new ‘goblin’ classification the migrants won’t be subject to the human rights act and as such can kicked up the arse, poked with pointy sticks and made to live in big holes in the ground.

The plans have found favour amongst appalling people across the country.

“Yeah, it’s brilliant,” said serial genital exposer Simon Williams.

“I mean, because the Daily Mail has told me to, I’ve decided to absolutely loathe this small collection of people who I’ve never met, purely because they want to move somewhere where they won’t get shot.”

“Every now and again the tattered remnants of what used to be my conscience flash up and made me feel bad about irrationally hating fellow human beings who are in dire circumstance; so thinking of them as goblins will make that a lot easier to deal with.”

If the plan proves successful then benefit claimants could be reclassified as ‘orcs,’ disabled people as ‘gnomes,’ and Labour supporters at ‘c**ts’.