Russell Brand to jump over a shark

author avatar by 9 years ago

As part of his ongoing and increasingly desperate attempts to get attention, Russell Brand has announced his intention to ski-jump over a shark.

Brand claims the stunt, which many are concerned might be seen as gimmicky, will re-establish his credentials as being both cool and interesting, and put him centre stage of pop-culture where he feels he rightfully belongs.

The comic and political activist revealed his intention to irrevocably jump the shark with a hollow, empty grin and a sad but pleading expression behind his eyes on his regular podcast, The Trews.

Leaning in close to the camera and gurning wildly, Brand said “I’ll challenge the unselfconscious, cliched zeity-geisty with a soaring eagle-y greatness over the ferocious terror of the oceanic depths.”

“Who can say what churning terror will grip my innards as I attempt this desperate but beautiful act to draw attention to the steaming turd of modern culture that you, the benighted voiceless huddling mass of cursed and forgotten underclass kept silent and despairing by everyone who isn’t me, have to live through.”

“By smashing expectations of reality with a shark-jump combination hitherto unprecedented in all of human existence; with that single act of boldness and not-self publicity in any way, you shall be unchained asunder and society shall reform,” he said, modestly.

“I’ll do anything you like so long as you love me”, he added.

“Please, love me.”

Brand went on to assure his viewers that he wasn’t doing it for himself, but for them.

He is but a chance, a tiny voice, who has been blessed by fate and fortune to make a difference for you.

Despite manic attempts to publicise the event, most people remain steadfastly uninterested as they understood Brand to have jumped the shark years ago.