Sun newspaper to close after everyone who has used coke and hookers resigns

author avatar by 9 years ago

The Sun Newspaper is to close its doors with immediate effect after everyone who has used cocaine and prostitutes resigned last night.

The departure of every tabloid reporter who has indulged has left the paper without sufficient staff to produce a page of copy, or even to make a cup of coffee for Rupert Murdoch when he pops by.

Witnesses described the departure of the Sun’s entire editorial staff as ‘being like something from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’ as one by one the reporters turned their faces with a ghastly pang and four times fifty living men dropped off the payroll.

“Nobody saw it coming”, we were told by a former Sun employee.

“We just thought we’d destroy someone else’s career and move on.”

NewsThump best selling notebooks

“But when it was pointed out that if using drugs and prostitutes was a reason to leave your job, well, there was this long and uncomfortable silence”.

“And then people just picked up their bags and started shuffling towards the door, trying not to make eye contact.”

“Clearly none of us could stay. That would be hypocritical.”

Reports indicate that the only members of staff remaining at the News International building are a couple of cleaners who thought they were too old for that sort of thing but now aren’t so sure, and the office cat.

It has been suggested that some staffers from the Guardian newspaper have offered to pick up the ropes, but ‘only if ketamine and weed don’t count as drugs’.