Game of Thrones and Sopranos producer HBO has announced plans to remake the BBC’s popular saga of a country vet with a generous helping of bad language, graphic violence and gratuitous sex.
“I heard about this lovely gentle show set in a country village,” said HBO show runner David Benioff.
“And I thought – what that needs is to have everyone f**king.”
“I want the vet f**king his girlfriend. I want the girlfriend f**g the vet’s partner. I want the vet’s partner f**king the dog.”
“And, obviously, we need a horny dwarf who f**ks absolutely everyone.”
Mr Benioff also has plans for a more adult use of language.
“Hell yeah, check this out. We got some dialogue working already, check it.”
“Right, ‘Eee, Doctor, my cow Daisy’s arthritis is playing her up something terrible, the big mother**ker’,’ see, it’s more realistic. It’s how real people talk.”
Benioff rejected accusations that the original series was entirely non-violent.
“Nah, screw that, the first episode has six beheadings, a machine gun massacre, a dirty bomb, a self-immolation, and a guy having his spine pulled out by an angry sheep.”
“It’s important to reflect the modern world.”
HBO is so confident of success with ‘All creatures great and small,’ it’s planned further updates of BBC eighties classics.
Known plans are a priapic, sex-addicted Timothy Lumsden in a remake of Sorry, a psychotic Ted Bovis in a murderous remake of Hi-de-Hi, and Dominic West as a drug-crazed, anal-sex obsessed, foul-mouthed Lovejoy rampaging through the Sussex countryside in a tank in ‘Lovejoy – Apocalypse’.