Captain America accused of using performance-enhancing drugs

author avatar by 9 years ago

Popular superhero Captain America stands accused of taking ‘performance-enhancing substances’ to achieve his remarkable record of success this morning.

The claims were made after the Captain – real name Steve Rogers – single-handedly defeated a nest of Hydra agents and then failed to report for a scheduled urine test.

If found guilty he is faced with being stripped of his rank of Captain and being dishonourably discharged.

Authorities believe Rogers to have taken a ‘simply remarkable’ cocktail of drugs, including steroids, testosterone, nandrolone, cortisol and more to achieve his results.

“He’s not aged a day since 1942 so he’s probably using Botox or similar method of freezing the muscles in his face as well,” we were told.

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The Captain is a popular role-model for children, and has fronted several ‘say no to drugs’ campaigns.

He claims his success is due to clean living, hard work, and ‘moms apple pie’.

However, the claims have cast doubt that his physique is the result of twenty push-ups a day and not eating fried food.

“We believe the results Captain America has achieved could not be done without significant artificial help, possibly cooked up in a top secret lab by a mad genius,” doping investigators told us.

“Once we’ve completed our investigation into Rogers, we will also be questioning Bruce Banner who we believe has also taken similar pharmaceutical boosters.”

“He’s a complete wimp so we’re not expecting any trouble from that direction, anyway.”

If found guilty, Rogers is expected to lose a number of lucrative sponsorship deals, most notably from Stark Industries.