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The government has this morning issued new guidelines for avoiding Taylor Swift, according to a spokesman.
Concerned that coverage of the perpetually perky pop pipsqueak has reached saturation point, the government is moving quickly to help ordinary people achieve a modicum of protection.
The guidelines are available in a free leaflet from the local council, or on the government Swiftwatch website, where sightings of Taylor Swift may also be reported.
Important aspects of the guidance include:
Preparation: understand that you may be at risk of Taylor Swift. Is there any way she might mistake you for a fan? Do you have a social media account and express opinions she may not like? If so you may be in an at-risk group.
Protection: invest in earplugs or turn your radio off. Guidelines for building a reinforced bunker to help ensure your safety.
Prevention: help prevent Taylor Swift by not having children aged 12-15, or by not being a middle-aged man who collects My Little Ponies. If you fear you are in the second group, help is available for you.
If you fear Taylor Swift is in your vicinity, attempt to retreat to a safe distance and do not look directly at the flash.
If prevented from moving away, adopt the duck and cover position by ducking under a table and covering you ears.
It is hoped that Taylor Swift will soon pass.
