Labour totally going to do what Tony Blair says

author avatar by 9 years ago

The Labour party is totally going to do what Tony Blair says, we can report this afternoon.

In a stirring intervention in the party’s ongoing leadership debate, Blair made an impassioned speech begging his party not to retreat to the left and to instead to embrace the 21st century, which is really going to happen now he’s gone and said it.

Blair went on to suggest that making Jeremy Corbyn leader would be a mistake, which has bollocksed the other candidates good and proper.

Labour supporters listened in contemptuous silence to the only person to win a general election for the party in a lifetime before resolving to do the exact opposite of whatever it was he was saying, because that’s obviously what voters want.

“Look”, Blair is reported to have said. “Here’s a list of things you do if you totally, absolutely want to ensure you don’t win any elections any time soon.”

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“Why are you writing them all down?”

“You’re not actually planning to… You’re kidding. Seriously? You are, aren’t you?”

“Bloody hell.”

However, Blair concluded that even if the party ignored everything he said he still wouldn’t leave, resulting in anguished cries and demands of an explanation from an uncaring and unlistening universe from his audience.

After hearing the speech, Prime Minister David Cameron is reported to have been admitted to hospital due to “Laughing so hard his hernia came back.”