The Australian cricket team has been deported under anti-terror legislation, we can report this morning.
The government is reported to have rushed through a legal amendment last night identifying the greatest threats to Britain as al-Qaeda, ISIS, and the Baggy Greens.
The move came after the Kangaroos devastated an England team who were described as ‘completely harmless and had done nothing to provoke such an attack’.
The team was rounded up in a dawn raid after evidence emerged they were planning further ‘shock and awe’ atrocities at Edgbaston next week.
“The defining feature of terrorism is that it strikes fear and misery into the heart of an unprepared foe”, we were told.
“That totally applies to what Mitchell Johnson did to poor, poor Joe Root.”
“We’ve asked for a UN resolution declaring his fast bowling a weapon of mass destruction.”
The security services have been criticised for failing to see the attack coming, with critics pointing out that Australia have form including an arson attack on a wicket in 1882.
It is now hoped the England team can begin the process of recovery by sloshing wildly at anything which looks vaguely like a ball.
Anti-terror experts have claimed members of the Australian team were radicalised after witnessing their countrymen get their arses thrashed off them during the 2012 Olympics.