The answer to any question in a Daily Mail headline is ‘No’, finds study

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The answer to any question posed by a Daily Mail headline is ‘no’, according to a study published today.

Questions like ‘Does coffee cause cancer?’, ‘Does this shocking dress go too far?’ and ‘Should you be getting pregnant right away?’ Are consistently answerable in the negative, the study found.

Researchers scoured decades of archives looking for headline questions which could conceivably get a positive answer but ultimately forced to admit defeat.

“Look at yesterday’s issue”, we were told, even though we’d rather not look directly at anything published by the Daily Mail.

“Questions like ‘Did flu jab give sleeping sickness?'”

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“No. No, it didn’t.”

“‘Is the Loch Ness monster a giant catfish?'”

“No. No it isn’t.”

“Will Aga’s new owners wreck our favourite oven?”

“No. No it won’t.”

“Whatever the question the pattern is completely consistent across topics as diverse as health, science, economics, society and fashion.”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, and no”

The team eventually concluded that no question ever published in the Mail could be answered with a ‘yes’, which they described as a ‘remarkable achievement’.

The researchers now intend to study the Guardian newspaper for content which doesn’t read like it was written by someone who has been kicked in the head by a horse.

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)