Coalition forces to launch airstrikes over war-torn Labour party

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The civil war in the Labour party has become so intense that a loose coalition of Western forces is to launch airstrikes at the heart of Labour.

“Obviously, the last thing we want to do is involve ourselves in internal politics,” said Defence Secretary Michael Fallon.

“But the ferocity of this civil war is such that we have to think of the humanitarian costs it could have.”

The hostilities began with acting leader Harriet Harman’s response to the Chancellor’s vicious welfare cuts – “dunno, s’alright, I s’pose.” – being denounced by others in the party as wholly inadequate, with suggestions that as they were supposed to be the opposition perhaps it would be appropriate to actually do some opposing.

The war quickly escalated with supporters of Ms Harman claiming that they can’t oppose everything.

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This was swiftly followed by the more left-wing members calling Ms Harman and her supporters ‘tossers,’ and Ms Harman responding by calling them ‘total shitters.’

“The problem is that the whole situation is so fluid,” continued Mr Fallon.

“We need to act or we could see radical interests take hold, and we know the SNP are sniffing around.”

“We could see more civilian injuries; already we know of two activists who got paper cuts sending Harriet Harman abusive mail.”

“We believe these airstrikes will save lives.”

Labour are unsure whether to support the airstrikes or not, so have decided to have a big fight about it instead.

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