Crew members of the egregious Jeremy Kyle Show are in a frenzy of excitement for the show’s ten-year anniversary, working hard to draw a chalk pentagram in the car park of The Eggbert Arms in Doncaster.
This will allow Kyle and his team to descend to the depths of Hell itself to broadcast their ten-year special from a cess-pit filled with the souls of unrepentant sinners, which will allow their guests to feel in good company.
“It’s going to be quite a day,” said Henry Adams, Production Designer.
“We’ve all made sure to bring sandwiches; we were told the catering down there isn’t always the most reliable.”
“We’ve got a truly wretched and horrible show lined up with some of the most desperate and bewildered members of human society discussing their most intimate issues for your entertainment.”
“It’s the perfect show in the perfect venue.”
Some have questioned whether or not it is appropriate for the show to be broadcast from the centre of all evil.
“I don’t really want them to bring down the tone of the place,” said Satan.
“Don’t get me wrong, this place is horrible. It’s always hot and we have some of the worst human beings in history down here. But at no point have we ever made them famous for it.”
“Basically I’m allowing it out of guilt. I’ve missed Jeremy’s last three birthdays and I almost never paid his mother any kind of child support.”
“But if they’re the worst things I’ve ever done, then I’m barely fulfilling my job description.”
The line-up for the show features two men fighting over fatherhood of a child, a 15 year-old alcoholic who ‘doesn’t give a shit, mate’ and a 62 year-old schoolteacher who can’t stop shagging her former students.
“Welcome home,” said Satan.