The Captain of the SS Titanic has announced there will be a referendum on the arrangement of deckchairs this weekend.
Passengers have been expressing concern for some time of the general downwards direction of the ship and a curious glugging noise from below decks, and the captain has taken steps to restore confidence and democracy by allowing them to decide if the foredeck or poop deck is the best place for jauntily-coloured canvas seating.
Passengers in steerage have been asked to hold a whip round to pay for the cost of printing voting slips.
Crewmembers have issued an angry statement that the fucking great wall of ice directly in front of the ship’s bows is ignoring democracy, and asked it to give them time to arrange the popular vote.
“In order to ensure time and space for passengers to make an informed decision, I have ordered the engines turned to full speed ahead”, the captain has announced over the tannoy.
“Any passengers wishing to take to lifeboats may do so, but in order to ensure there is no panic the boats will not be lowered from the ship.”
“Anyway, which do you prefer? Red or blue deckchairs? Red ones are nicer, I think, but blue has its place.”
“Vote red for a fairer, more deckchairy future.”
The Captain has threatened to resign his post if the referendum does not show a clear preference for red deckchairs.
Critics have suggested that the referendum is a waste of time, considering that the ship is clearly in imminent danger of sinking.
The ship’s engineer is reported to have said: “She’s made of iron, sir! I assure you, she can… and she will. It is a mathematical certainty.”