Paul Gascoigne has told England’s Laura Bassett that she will feel much better once she wears a pair of fake plastic breasts on an open-topped bus.
The England defender scored an unfortunately last-minute own-goal that consigned the Lionesses to defeat in the nation’s first football semi-final since 1990.
Bassett’s tears at the final whistle were reminiscent of Gascoigne’s own at Italia 90.
Gascoigne sent the breasts recorded delivery after watching the match, before telling us, “Right now she’ll feel like the world is coming to an end, and it will feel like the tears won’t ever stop – but they will. Just as soon as she puts these plastic breasts on.”
“I speak from personal experience that nothing changes your outlook on life-like a plastic chest with your name written on it.”
“One minute you feel like you’ve let the entire nation down, the next minute you’ve got hilarious plastic breasts.”
“Life is funny like that sometimes.”
“So I’d tell her to forget about last night, get the breasts on and go for a walk. She can even pretend to squeeze them, and to rub the belly bit like she’s had a big meal. People seem to love that.”
“It won’t be long before she’s forgotten all about the semi-final, and instead she’ll be focussing on trying to snap Gary Charles in half in the FA Cup final.”
“You’re welcome, Laura.”