John Inverdale’s guide to the Wimbledon Ladies of 2015

author avatar by 9 years ago

In our exclusive feature, the BBC’s John Inverdale runs the rule over this year’s Ladies Wimbledon contenders.

Petra Kvitova 3-1
Not an exactly a handsome Czech this one, but Serena’s greatest threat. Being left-handed gives her a small advantage on court and in the bedroom. A fabulous net player with great shot-making ability, which doesn’t necessarily mean she can knock a decent mixed salad together.

Prediction: quarter-finalist.

Lucie Safarova 5-1
This gargantuan-thighed eastern European filley built up her strength working on her father’s potato farm. Showed great early promise, but at 28 years of age, she’s leaving it a little late to find a fella. The confidence gained this year should be enough to push her into a decent hair salon. Best watched from the back of the court.

Prediction: Fourth round exit after heat stroke.

NewsThump Best sellers

Serena Williams: 2-1fav
Five times winner, but if that’s your kind of thing then don’t let me stop you. Although rather too masculine for my tastes, Serena’s features soften considerably when the retractable roof comes over.

Prediction: Semi-finalist but withdraws after sushi poisoning.

Madison Keys: 7-5
An outstanding natural talent with a face to curdle the cream on your strawberries. This American performed well at the French Open after turning several of her opponents to stone with a single glance. Temperament is likely to be as important as an unwillingness to conform to modern ideas of beauty.

Prediction: Loses final after scoreboard ceases to function.

Heather Watson 8-1
Nice arse, but can she handle the heat?

Prediction: Third round coquettishness wins over a patriotic crowd.

Maria Sharapova 11-4
Poor recent form after injuring herself with a pair of scissors. Has let herself go somewhat, as shown by the recent paparazzi shots of her finishing off a whole hog roast at Franki and Benny’s. Temporary weight gain should not stand in the way of another modelling contract.

Prediction: winner