Jesus to start packing heat

author avatar by 9 years ago

Jesus is to start packing heat per his constitutional rights, we can report today.

After two thousand years of suggesting people love their neighbours as themselves, the Son of God has acknowledged it’s just not going to catch on and bought a selection of powerful handguns and rifles.

Our Lord is reported to consider an AR-15 assault rifle and a .50 calibre Desert Eagle ‘essential’ to His message of charity and humility.

He also recommended a concealed Ruger 9mm as a necessary accessory when preaching in the marketplace or to the fishes of the sea.

Our Saviour said he recognised all that smiting was ‘a bit old Testament’, but, you know, no sense in wasting any more time ‘with that peace and love crap.’

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He went on to suggest that a machine-gun nest and flash-bangs as basic home defence were entirely in keeping with the Commandment not to kill.

“If I do end up shooting anyone I can always use my divine grace to heal them or raise them from the dead,” He said.

“You guys can do that too, right?”

“No? Sucks to be you”.

When asked if the Second Coming and the Day of Judgement would be any time soon, Jesus cocked his pistol and said “I’ll be back.”