by 
Pope Francis will call for swift action to protect the Earth and fight global warming, after God told him He couldn’t be arsed to help.
The pontiff’s encyclical – the highest level of teaching document a pope can issue – includes a section on how God answered his prayers for guidance on global warming with a firm ‘No’.
In the paper, Pope Francis presents both scientific and moral reasons for protecting God’s creation, even though God himself can’t be bothered to contribute to the planet saving effort.
The Pope told reporters before publication of his paper, “I have sought His spiritual guidance in the matter of global warming, which clearly affects us all – Catholics and heathen non-believer alike – but for some reason He’s not very interested in helping.”
“Apparently he retired from terraforming 6,000 years ago, though he did have a little play with the sea when Moses asked nicely – which I think is playing favourites if I’m being completely honest.”
“He did say that He might give a scientist a brain clever enough to figure out a solution to global warming at some point in the future, but He said it would be really subtle and He would make it look like He wasn’t even involved at all.”
“A mysterious way, if you will. But no promises, apparently. We’ve got to wait and see.”
“So, right now it’s up to us. Anyone have any bright ideas?”
