Chimpanzees who were seen drinking alcoholic tree sap for recreational purposes have flatly refused to set foot in a Wetherspoons, it has been confirmed today.
Humans’ closest primate cousins have been found to share a taste for alcohol, but will seemingly draw the line in places they will consume it.
Scientists say the chimps are happy consuming amounts of tree sap that contain the alcohol equivalent of five or six pints of lager, but that they are unwilling to debase themselves when drinking it.
Lead scientist Simon Williams told us, “This has been a seventeen-year research programme, and we’ve witnessed the chimps getting drunk on many, many occasions – but we’ve never seen them drink anything with a chaser in the title or get stuck to the floor around the tree they’re drinking from.
“We wanted to see how important the alcohol was to them, so we built a replica Wetherspoons next door, replete with cheap lager, all-day drinkers and fights.”
“We offered them strong continental lager, all sorts of shots, and something blue and fizzy called a ‘wicked’, I think it was.”
“However none of the chimps were interested in any of it – in fact they looked at us like we were mental for drinking that crap.”
“They might be forced to drink the tree sap in the cold and wet, surrounded by potential predators – but according to the chimps it’s still more pleasant than drinking in a Wetherspoons.”
“It does seem that although they like a drink, they won’t drink in a shithole.”
“Which makes them more like us than we originally thought.”