Experts identify link between didgeridoo players and failure of political protests

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You can accurately predict how successful a political campaign will be by counting the number of didgeridoo players involved, according to a report released this morning.

Statisticians estimate that every lanky trustafarian playing Australian tribal music involved in a protest reduces its chance of succeeding by over 50%.

Unicyclists and people wearing huge comedy jester’s hats were also directly linked to the dismal failure of many campaigning organisations.

Furthermore, experts suggest that if you want to change the world and a juggler or a street musician turns up to your protest, it’d be quicker and easier just to go home there and then.

“Look at the Stop the War march,” we were told by a mathematician.

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“Millions of people involved, including an entire phalanx of didgeridoo players all going Auwommmauwommauwoma, and it achieved not a dicky bird.”

“Whilst the Conservative Party doesn’t even know what a Didgeridoo is and they just won an outright majority using hardly any people whatsoever, comparatively speaking.”

“We haven’t checked, but we’d put money on at least three of the shadow cabinet owning a Didgeridoo. Ed Balls probably has two.”

“The maths isn’t that hard when you think about it.”

The Conservative Party confirmed that no members of the cabinet possess a didgeridoo, or have ever worn a giant felt jester’s hat – except for one time when Michael Gove accidentally drank a glass of Baileys thinking it was Horlicks and ‘things got a bit out of hand’.

Political scientists have seized upon the finding, encouraging revolutionary and protest movements to ban anyone who might describe themselves as being ‘wacky’ or even worse ‘a bit mad’ from getting involved.