David Cameron has announced the construction of a new gigantic ice wall just north of Berwick on Tweed, we can report today.
The construction, which will take several years and cost almost £15bn, will provide a ‘huge boost’ for the construction industry and then provide lasting employment for unwanted illegitimate children and fat virgins in the region for hundreds of years, whilst simultaneously providing protection from a chill and flinty-eyed threat from the land of always winter.
The Prime Minister made the announcement in response to Alex Salmond claiming to know what Charles Kennedy thought after his death, with the government reported to be extremely concerned that Salmond appears to possess the power to reanimate the dead in support of his cause.
“The return of Charles Kennedy mere hours after his death to do the SNP’s bidding is something everyone should find terrifying,” said Cameron.
“If Kennedy can lend his support to the SNP before he’s even cold, then the risk of untold legions of the undead forming to register their support can’t be discounted.”
“When there is no more room in Hell, the dead shall walk the corridors of Holyrood,” he added.
The government has insisted that construction will contribute to the formation of a ‘northern powerhouse’ which is a central plank of their economic policy.
“And a whopping great wall made of huge blocks of ice will be of massive long-term economic benefit. You’ll just have to trust us on that one,” a spokesman continued.
The SNP have been dismissive of the government plans, calling for the money to be spent on a lovely new Scottish parliament building instead.
“There’s no need for a wall as Scotland will vote to stay in the EU,” said Alex Salmond.
“And Donald Dewar agrees with me.”
“I should know, I’ve got a great track record in predicting referendum outcomes.”