Mafia moves to distance itself from FIFA

author avatar by 9 years ago

The crisis at FIFA continues with news that the Mafia, one of FIFA’s longest standing sponsors throughout the Sepp Blatter years, is to disassociate itself from the organisation.

“It’s catastrophic for FIFA,” said an anonymous insider

“The scandal and embarrassment we can live with, but if the sponsors go then so does the money. Please, for the love of God, don’t take away our lovely money.”

The FBI launched a series of arrests of high-ranking officials after FIFA couldn’t offer substantial enough bribes to prevent it.

Since then there has been feverish speculation about the state of the sponsors.

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“The five families are most displeased,” said Don Joseph Ramone with chilling understatement.

“We have a reputation of criminality, corruption, and grotesque obesity to maintain, but FIFA? I mean those guys are just taking all of that way too far.”

“Between you and me? The problem was that FIFA were starting to make the Mafia look bad.”

“I mean, you know that if someone has to get gone, then we’ll do it.”

“But they won’t be a civilian, you know? The shit that FIFA were doing to get the stadiums in Qatar built? Hey, we don’t want no piece of that.”

The world and FIFA must now wait to find out what steps other major sponsors will take, with Coca-Cola, ISIS, and SPECTRE all expected to comment today.