EU referendum question to be: ‘Do you not want to leave or stay in or out of the EU?’

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The official phraseology of the question at the centre of the forthcoming EU referendum will be reassuringly complicated, according to reports today.

The referendum will decide once and for all whether British taxpayers will continue to hurl money at a faceless European body, or simply hurl all of it at David Cameron who does have a face, but it looks awful and it hates you.

“This is an historic referendum,” said a Conservative spokesperson.

“And like all the great history bits, it will be incredibly convoluted, boring and needlessly confusing to the average human being.”

“We’re aiming for three split infinitives and for the question to contradict itself at least twice.”

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“We are working morning, a bit of noon and none of night to achieve this.”

EU referendum

Members of the British public have cried out for something nice and simple.

“Please,” said Barry Hoskins, an Office Manager from Great Yarmouth, “just tell me which answer gets us out of the bloody thing.”

“I’ve got no idea what the EU does for us. Absolutely no idea; basically because I haven’t bothered to ask or find out.”

“But I know it’s wrong and needs to be stopped. I just don’t know how to answer the question. I struggle enough with basic numeracy, to be honest.”

It is thought that the referendum will take place in the summer months of 2016, just at the moment when the Prime Minster goes on holiday and leaves a note for George Osborne reminding him to “try not to bollocks this up”.