Banning ‘legal highs’ will make them just as hard to get as cannabis, insists government

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Government plans to ban ‘legal highs’ will make them as hard to get hold of as cannabis, we can report today.

Cannabis has been nigh-impossible to source in the UK ever since it was criminalised in 1928, and the government plans to extend the law to include substances which people who cannot find a dealer have been resorting to.

People who attempt to buy weed illegally have been foiled at every step and drug advisory bodies are fully in support of this latest extension to the law, describing it as “sensible and easily enforceable.”

A government spokesman told us, “Criminalisation has resulted in the blight of cannabis vanishing from this country.”

“Gone are the days when drugs were easily available from any street corner, and a culture of abstinence now reigns across this great nation of ours.”

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“Thanks to the resounding success of our drugs policy, it’s clearly time to send a message to people; that selling legal alternatives simply isn’t acceptable either.”

Legal Highs ‘banned’

Manufacturers of legal highs are horrified by the news, protesting that they will never, ever be able to sell another sachet of inaccurately labelled perfumed bird-seed or fertiliser again, once the ban is brought in.

Whilst disappointed by the news, the British public are reported to be resigned to the change in the law and have accepted that they’ll never be able to get off their tits again.

“It was fun whilst it lasted,” we were told.

In related news, underage drinkers are demanding the government ban sales of White Lighting and WKD Blue in order to save them the trouble of having to produce their fake ID and talk in a deep voice in the shop.