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Ryanair’s latest profits have risen 66% after the airline reported a sharp increase in the number of travelling masochists seeking a truly excruciating plane-based experience.
Ryanair said it was still growing its market share thanks to the millions of travellers who take perverse pleasure from being treated like a big skin covered wallet by people intent on emptying it.
Chief Executive Michael O’Leary said the financial results were a testament to the robustness of his business model, which aims to treat non-conforming passengers like medieval criminals.
O’Leary explained, “If you’ve forgotten to print your boarding pass we’ll take fifty pounds off you and repeatedly punch you in the face.”
“If you’ve not pre-booked your hold luggage then that’s a £40 fine and twenty minutes in the testicle screws. It’s all there in the terms and conditions, lines 724 to 726, the bit in font size 1.”
Ryanair financial results
The rise in profits has not come as a surprise to many passengers, who say the risk you take with such a cheap airline is that any mistake you make will likely cost you more than a family car.
As one passenger explained, “I’m usually terrified from the moment I book a Ryanair flight to the moment I’ve completed my journey and left the airport to go home.”
“You never know when they’re going to find a reason to put you on The Rack for ten minutes. I’ve pissed myself twice for fear of getting up and incurring a hidden surcharge.”
Not all passengers find the regime unpleasant, with Simon Williams of Grimsby particularly excited about his trip.
“I know for a fact that I am a kilo overweight in my hand luggage, and to be honest I’ve had an erection since 7am just thinking about what they’re going to do to me.”
