Conservatives pledge referendum on Eurovision membership

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David Cameron has this morning announced a referendum on Britain’s continued involvement in the Eurovision song contest after 2016.

After yet another lacklustre performance by the British entrant, the Prime Minister is reported to believe Eurovision is no longer fit for purpose without considerable reform.

“Eurovision was created to create closer harmony and now everyone just votes for Russia because they’re scared Putin will turn their gas off if they don’t,” said Cameron.

“All the Baltic states just vote for each other, and Germany and France just gang up on everyone else”, he added.

“Clearly the internal mechanisms need meaningful change.”

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“As such I plan to renegotiate the scoring system so Britain gets more points, and then give the British people the option to withdraw entirely from the contest based on the outcome of these negotiations.”

David Cameron is keen for Eurovision to be more like the sort of contest last seen during the 1980s, when everyone was so scared of Margaret Thatcher they made Bucks Fizz the winners just because Cheryl Baker took her skirt off.

However, European sources are critical of the plans.

A spokesman for France acknowledged that they never won either, but they were fine with that just so long as Britain did worse than them.

“Grande Bretangne, Nul Points,” he added with obvious relish.