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Former deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg plans to become a masked vigilante known as ‘The Liberal Democrat’, we can report today.
Following a drubbing in the polls, Nick is reported to feel that the best way to advance Liberal Democracy is by donning a mask and beating up Labour and Conservative voters outside constituency surgery hours.
He will patrol the streets of Sheffield Hallam in the dark, long watches of the night, delivering electoral reform and punitive beatings.
“Nick has all the qualities required to become a masked avenger of the night,” said a Liberal Democrat spokesman.
“A tormented loner, rejected by society but with a burning desire for justice and raising the tax free allowance to £13K.”
“When you think about it like that, this was pretty much inevitable.”
Clegg reportedly intends to be a moderate vigilante who will engage in constructive dialogue with his opponents before beating them to a bloodied pulp in they won’t agree to stay in the EU.
When asked how he intended to fund the expensive life of a costumed avenger, it was pointed out that Parliamentary expenses are ‘surprisingly flexible’.
“You had your chance,” said Clegg in a recorded message left pinned to the chest of an unconscious Green Party councillor.
“You could have chosen to follow good men, like Gladstone and Vince Cable.”
“In five years time you’ll look up from your Conservative government and factional left/ right squabbles and shout save us!” he added.
“And I’ll look down and whisper; No.”
In other news, reports from Westminster suggest that Alex Salmond has been bitten by a radioactive Eric Pickles, although it is too early to tell what if any difference this might make.
