England cricket team to focus on world of competitively trustworthy changing rooms

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The England and Wales Cricket Board has insisted that a good old-fashioned trust-filled dressing room is far more important than actually winning cricket matches.

While Kevin Pietersen cracked off an unprecedented quadruple-century with one eye closed, holding the bat in one hand and juggling three oranges with the other, the ECB insisted that performance and results were not important to the selection process.

“What we need is more white, English ex-public schoolboys in the team”, said an ECB white, English ex-public schoolboy.

“Some of these county cricketers not only look a bit funny but they sound a bit funny too, they’re simply not our sort and cannot engender the high levels of trust necessary to be thrashed in a test match.”

“Winning and trust are simply incompatible.”

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“And don’t forget, England have had some very promising results recently against the Outer-Hebridean Island of Benbecula to whom they only narrowly lost, and the Isis Caliphate where they forced an impressive draw – so we must be doing something right.”

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The ECB added “We may not want Kevin Pietersen in the team but just look at the rest of the amazing ‘trustworthy’ talent pool from which we’re able to choose.”

“For example, all bar one of the UKIP parliamentary candidates are unexpectedly available for selection, although it looks as though W.G. Farage may have let us down again at the last minute. Pity, that.”

“And we’re hearing great things about someone called K. T. Hopkins, and although we’ve yet to meet him, he sounds right up our dead-end street.”