Prime Minister David Cameron returns to Downing Street with a pledge to unite the country against the poor, the old and the sick.
“This morning, I return to office with a renewed vigour to lead this great country and unite its people as one against all the ghastly poor people.”
“Working together, I feel confident that we will be able to make everyone who is sick, old or poor feel like the abject wasters they truly are.”
The Tories were returned to office with a stunning majority after everyone shat themselves about the SNP and Labour’s fictional ‘mishandling of the economy’.
Under a Tory Government, poor people face a well-deserved future of food-banks and perilous housing situations, but luckily, under the Tories will pay less tax on the money they don’t earn which is sure to be a comfort.
“If these so-called poor people don’t like living in a country that vilifies and hates them,” continued Cameron speaking from a diamond encrusted lectern outside Number 10.
“Well, they can just jolly well clear off somewhere that’s willing to tolerate their constant whinging about being hungry and having scurvy. France, probably.”
He then entered the official Prime Minister’s residence, stopping only to kick a cleaner up the arse and laugh at her.