Vladimir Putin on course for historic UK election win

author avatar by 9 years ago

Russian president Vladimir Putin is set to be the surprise winner of the 2015 UK election, according to sources.

The 54 year-old leader could be heading for a historic landslide victory according to the totally reliable news channel, Russia Today.

Putin has already ruled out a coalition with the Liberal Democrats , UKIP, Labour, Sinn Fein, Plaid Cymru, the DUP, the Green Party and the Tory shite.

And in a move that will delight the SNP’s Nicola Sturgeon, the Kremlin hardman has promised to scrap Britain’s costly nuclear deterrent by blasting it out of the sky using precision-guided laser technology.

Voters turning up in polling booths across the UK may be surprised to see the only name on their ballot paper is that of the horse-loving ex-KGB chief.

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Political analyst Simon Williams said, “The presence of a solitary name on the ballot is likely to appeal to those who have yet to make up their mind, or UKIP fans.”

“Putin has promised to deliver an early vote count by replacing the usual army of senior citizens with an irregular volunteer force of Russian casuals pretending to be on holiday.”

The failure of international sanctions was today widely acknowledged as Russian forces continued to tightened their grip on the key marginal seat of Basingstoke East.

This afternoon discredited Tory leader David Cameron bleated that any voting irregularities would be swiftly referred to the UN.

But Putin hit back, telling voters, “Ask me my three priorities in government-ski.”

“Re-education. Re-education. Re-education.”