Chelsea FC’s 2014/15 season review DVD is to be made available by prescription only after extensive tests found it was likely to cause sustained periods of drowsiness.
The newly crowned Premier League champions were hopeful the title would be made available over the counter, but concerns its soporific qualities presented dangers to would-be viewers saw the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) take action.
A spokesman for the BBFC confirmed testing on the proposed content had already been undertaken across a large swathe of the global population.
“We were more than rigorous in our tests, which were conducted on 4.7 billion viewers who had watched at least one Chelsea game from August 2014 to May 2015,” he stated.
“The outcomes were found to be definitive in indicating that watching Chelsea is the equivalent of taking three sleeping pills.”
“But that was not all.”
He continued, “The deafening silence at Stamford Bridge strongly indicate even the most partisan fall prey to the symptoms of ‘parking the bus’.”
“The validity of the tests were supported further by Jose Mourinho in his post match interview following the Crystal Palace ‘match’ when he himself admitted to feeling a bit sleepy.”
“Unfortunately, most viewers weren’t awake to hear him.”
Sky Sports have moved to assure its subscribers preventative measures will be undertaken to ensure next season’s Chelsea content will be more compelling for non-fans.
A press office spokeswoman said, “We’ll be showing re-runs of Chelsea’s 1975 relegation campaign.”
“It’s a laugh a minute.”