Scottish people all ‘ghastly crapbags’ claims Cameron

author avatar by 9 years ago

David Cameron has launched a stinging attack on Scotland and the Scottish people today calling them ‘shitweasels,’ ‘fungus’ and ‘kilt-wearing ginger simpletons’.

The attack came as the Tories sharpen their focus on the SNP and any potential coalition with Labour.

“I wouldn’t wipe my bottom on Scotland,” said Mr Cameron at a campaign event in Tewksbury yesterday.

“It’s a gloomy little backwater only good as somewhere to park your nuclear submarines.”

“All they want to do is kick up a rumpus for decent English chaps like us and our wives, I’m definitely the only fellow who can keep the uppity celtic goblins in their place.”

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As the parties remain deadlocked in the polls, the Tories are targeting an imagined Labour/SNP coalition after running out of coherent arguments for them to remain in power back in March.

The strategy appears to be gaining traction amongst core Tory voters

“I think it’s smashing,” said hyper-posh boggle-eyed weirdo Simon Williams

“The nasty little jocks all got jolly stroppy last year, but then decided they couldn’t live without us, so frankly, they should all shut up and stop having opinions about the country they live in.”

Asked if the new focus on Scotland was a way of deflecting attention from the fact the Tories seem unable to convince the electorate on any aspects of Government from health to housing, Mr Cameron replied ‘Scotland’s packed full of shitters.’