Why do the countries I’ve threatened to invade not like me, asks Putin

author avatar by 8 years ago

Russian President Vladimir Putin has today expressed unhappiness and confusion that countries he’s threatened aren’t being friendlier.

As Finland and Sweden consider joining NATO, Russia has confirmed that those submarines they’ve been finding in their territorial waters are meant in the nicest possible way.

Meanwhile the Ukraine has confirmed interest in joining the EU, despite Russia’s best efforts to cosy up by sending thousands of fun-loving soldiers on a diplomatic fact-finding mission to the region.

The soldiers were sent with big greetings cards, depicting the Russian bear in pastels and holding a heart-shaped balloon.

Polish plans to bolster defenses on the Russian border in response were described as “Hurtful and rude”.

“The President is really very upset by their unfriendly reaction”, said a spokesman for the Duma.

“We think they’re being tremendously insensitive to all the work and effort we’ve put in.”

“If we had a history of suddenly invading our neighbours and starving them to death you could understand it, but this really isn’t on.”

“That was those other guys,” he added.

In response to the hostile reaction, Russia has announced it will move nuclear bombers to the Ukrainian border and send them on regular goodwill flights over other NATO countries to make sure everyone knows they’re only interested in peaceful and friendly relations.